you kids

are all crazy motherfuckers :P get over yourselves, write some poetry, chill out, and be groovy. life's nicer. peace.

hey

i don't think any of you know my blog moved, but if you do, congrats. I guess you could say i'm in hiding. from myself? I don't know. but anyway. just letting you know that i'm still here, and you can comment if you want and i'll comment back, but my lappy is fucked so i have to use my desktop, witch sucks and is in the living room, as i can't seem to get my ipod to let me use it to blog. go figure.

I bought a backpack today, and some cds. I'm so bored.

anywho, i love you kids. bye.

We're close to the edge, hope not to fall off

Growing pains, growing pains.

Lift up your hearts, all will come right, out of the depths of sorrow and of sacrifice. We'll be born again, the glory of mankind.
-Winston Churchill

I want to do my acadec speech with this quote in it somewhere. but i want to to do it on the innate abhorrence of socialism the older generation has, and most of the nations ability to so vehemently defend their constitutional rights, while in doing so depriving others of theirs. I'd like to bring in universal health care, religion, and two or three more poignant issues of today and tomorrow. thoughts?

This is for the best

at least, it better be, because i've commited.

I'm sorry. I really am. I hope you pull through. I hope you're alright. I do still love you, but it needed to end, and this is the only way i could see that it would end.

I'm sorry. all my best wishes. please don't forget me, but don't remember me as that dick of a boyfriend who stopped talking to you. I think being forgotton would be preferable to that.

thank you for my jacket back.

Mars Landing

I look in the pictures for a story that ends favorably.

no luck

bleh

I've found that I love walking. not on established roads, to established places. I like walking with no idea where I'll end up. I like walking away from my life and toward the unknown. I like to forget for a bit my problems. I like to lose myself in the clear blue sky. I like to come around a bend and be genuinly surprised by whats there. I like coming home to people who love me. I like my music. I don't like the internet, but its a place where people might listen to me, which i need. I want to walk and never come back. I'm tired of this. tired of hurting. tired of coming back. tired tired tired. I need to meet someone. some one cute and funny and new. please find me.

love, you didn't do right by me.

but i guess you didn't do wrong either, so we're chill.

peace.

sRacecaRs

I'm hoping life is like a bunch of video games. cause you'll soon leave me behind, but I assume you aren't great at racing games, so I'll eventually catch up to you. at least, I hope so.

Very Superstitious

People are so fucking dumb. I am currently watching a "documentary", and i use the term lightly. very lightly, called "the scariest places on earth". it makes me sad, because people look so hard for things out of the ordinary, things supernatural, and things miraculous. I think it's because they haven't learned how to see living as out of the ordinary, to see connections and feelings and relationships, good, bad, and in between, as supernatural, and life as a miracle. so they go to "haunted" places, trying to get a cheap thrill where life and even religion have dissapointed them. they want palpable, seeable truth that there is something bigger than them, and so find what they are looking for, as they are trying to be "open minded". they are lost, in trying to be found.

the real scariest place on earth is the one where you are treated like you don't exist. where you are judged by your mistakes alone, and not by your character, which is a sum of all the parts, and where secrets are dropped like change from a pocket and traded like filthy currency.

I loved the uplifting little fireside chat that went on at the end of rehearsal tonight. it was great. really. you all care so much. but clinging to an stillborn kid and saying pretty words don't make it better. nor does having a band "OMG all the way from Italy" wondering how those kids in Podunk Where-the-fuck, U.S.A(right?). are doing with that play. It's dumb. maybe some of you meant what you said. but it sounded like a bunch of kids trying to sound as committed and attached to the play as everyone else. I used to do that to.

good fucking night.

and P.S. don't be so arrogant as to think its you who i'm talking to, or me i'm talking about. you don't know.

P.S.S. :p i sound rather vindictive, huh? trying to get that whole angsty emotional blogger thing goin' on. 'm'i doin' it rite? I'm fuking tired.

to many dead, to many living

I've got dead people in my suitcase. I travel through the day, enjoying life, having fun, making inferences, taking things for granted, and philosophizing, but when I finally sit down on my bed, and pop my mental suitcase to get ready for the night and the morning, out come a whole bunch of unresolved, putrid corpses, yet I can't bring myself to put them down just yet.

New Pixels

Just an update, cause I'm unreasonably proud of my theme, and it's symbolism :]

Every Girl a Maid, and Every Boy an Urchin

I think that every boy's major goal is to be the night in shining armor. one could argue that it seems that the only main goal we pursue is sex, really, even that is a step, albiet a misguided one, toward that longstanding goal. It's a short cut to that feeling, and so most, if not all guys tend to want for it. however, even more fulfilling is to be the one to "save" the girl, whoever she may be, from whatever seems to be holding her back, from the little girl version of this Knight in Shining Armor wish, To be a princess. to be loved, seen as beautiful and special and kind and wise and compassionate. to be loved, in short, by the very knight that every boy aspires to be, as well as by the lesser folk, the not knights. I want to be a knight. I want to ride into life and slay dragons and be seen as good and honorable and just and loving and compassionate. I want to rescue my princess.

But, perhaps at the same time, I want to be a scallywag. a vagabond. a ranger. taking what i need from life to fulfill my own desires. maybe thats the paradox. inside every boy, hell, every person, there are two conflicting personas. the Valourus knight/Beautiful princess, and the Rapicious vagabond/Scandalous wench. maybe what eventually asserts where you fall outwardly is the varying degrees of these that exist inside of you? I dunno. All I know is that I am freaking out because I don't know how to doublethink. I can't hold two ideas of myself at once. my brain is going to explode next time i'm forced to think about this. bleh.

Happy Easter/Passover/Spring Solstice, by the way. Hope you enjoy it. Drop me a line. i'm feeling lonely. peace, kids.

Pandemic 2

Is the best flash game I've ever played.

http://www.addictinggames.com/pandemic2.html

Dooitttt.

All quiet on the home front

I'm so fucking tired of that phrase. thats my spring break. bleh.

eh, But i think i'm almost back. a little worse for the wear, but i think my circuits are at least 85% back online, so thats good. a bit of that is because of my new favorite movie, dawn of the dead. I picked up the unrated directors cut and if was pretty chill. good writing, good storie. a little squeemish on the whole baby part, but what can you expect? For the record, game and fish expo's might as well be called "an expo of things and people all distinctly not attractive in anyway". bleh. not a single cute girl :p feels weird to be saying that.

So anyways, just an update to let you kids know that I'm not being a depressed emo pussy anymore, so you can talk to me. well, most of you :p just kidding. so yeah. see you kids tommorow.

peace

a bad case

I miss you. I thought I'de let you know. this isn't an attempt to get you back, I just felt it, and wondereed if you missed me. This is alot harder than i thought it would be.

Goodnight. I hope the concert was fun.

The Kings of Carrot Flowers, The April Fools

Reconfiguration
Readjustment
Release

I don't feel good.
My insides are confused
I'm cold

The dog died
I miss it, but I guess it was a long time coming.

I've just got way to much things to think about, and no distractions.

I don't want distractions, i don't want to forget.

ick. ick ick ick.

BLOG!

Collaberate and listen, Ben is back wit' mah bran' new invention!...

or blog, really.

UPDATE! nobody gives a shit about bigfoot!

but enough of that.once, I wrote this haiku:
Flashes of sunlight
illuminate my chamber
my half-heart is gone

It was in a completely different context then the past few days, but it's kinda stuck with me during them. However, the time has been well spent. I've discovered the importance of being me. of having my plans. my goals, my life. and I hope this lesson stays with me. so i'd like to proffer a new haiku:
Beating in tandem
today we will stand, here, now
as trees without roots

peace, kids. sleep good tonight.

omg kids!

i did this from my phone :] sadly, this costs monies, so its both the first and the last time. i hate this class. english that is. thats the bell. peace

:O

the only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an excuse for dinner without giving an excuse -jules renard

So true. I hope someday i can learn to do that. I hope someday to be able to turn people down and not worry about there feelings. "no, I don't want to hang out, no, I don't want to talk, no, I don't want to make excuses for you. I'm going to look after myself and the things I feel I want to look after." maybe its selfish, but it sounds very relaxing. I dunno.

So, I'm getting a new phone early. so thats a pro. also, me bruddah got Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess yesterday. its hella fun, so I been playing that. even more on the up and up: THE OFFICE! all day tommorow. and then the new whatever scary movie at 7 :] should be a good v-day. then, wed. is RENFEST wich oughtta be bitchin, as I havn't gone in two years :] a little oddity there, I'll be using the phone that we had to buy used off the internet the day after renfest because I lost my phone at renfest 2 years ago.AND I'll be gettin the new one the very next day :P weird how you can see circles that probably don't even exist outside your own head.

Its hella late. g'night. england prevails

You know

I'm really kind of sick of this whole thing. why do people feel the need to hide under annonymity?
And why does it always seem to hurt my kimberly? I don't know if this time it was the same douchefags or a different one, but seriously? I just don't get what your problem is to hurt someone and then not even have the guts to put your name on it. and dragging someone else into the whole thing is fucking low as well.

christ. why?

"if you love someone, let them go,
if they come back, they're yours forever,
if not, they never were"

never has that quote looked scarier. But the truth of it is there, and I hope God, if he's there, is with me on this one, because I've not loved harder ever before.

and yet again.

Damnit. I don't know how to act around people. I've always thought myself pretty good in social situations, be they one on one or in a group. but apparently I'm not. Instead of putting everyone at ease, I misread one person, and in doing so, apparently acted like I wanted to get away from the other one. and I guess under normal circumstances this would be not that big of a deal, but when the one who I upset is Kimberly, It kindof pisses me off that I screwed up so righteously. In concern for Hair's seeming "uncomfortableness", I made it seem like I was blowing her off. Now I feel like a complete fucking douche, and she feels unwanted, and its my fucking fault.

damn it.

Comment

Dear Ms. Abel:

As for the meeting tommorow, I would request that this team meeting you proposed be a meeting only between the offending parties and the...offended?

I know it sounds like I'm just trying to save my ass from embarassment, but I always used to hate going to meetings where I was in no way in the wrong. it accomplishes nothing and only serves to hurt moral, and feelings that don't need to be hurt. I don't think the team needs that. they did nothing wrong, and as such, don't deserve punishment. were this a recurring problem, I could see the whole team meeting thing, but seeing as it was me who instigated the ordeal, I would be inclined to say that I should be the one to take the heat, not the rest of the team.

If you still feel it does need to be made an example of, I'll gladly apologize publicly, in front of the team, the school board, or whatever, but the lecture should only fall on the guilty parties shoulders.

thanks for reading this. As always, the descision is yours, being coach and all, but I just had to get my concerns on the table.

thanks,
Ben

Well, hello there.

I just realised, that I've not been chronicalling my "adventures" near well enough

lesse...

I need a job. badly. but I never remember this. even when I do I completely blow it off. Its no longer just an I want money thing. I've got a year to start a financial base to start two lifes with. A year till I am responsible for the well being of myself, and someone else. Its a huge reallity check. I in no way regret the choices I've made, and as I've said before, our lives will be awesome, couldn't ask for a better lady. but its just a big responsibility, and I've gotta step up. Big step.

Speaking of my leading lady, she been having some tough times lately, and yet she's still holding together. she doesn't even know how proud I am of her. whe I tell her, its always "well, its only because I'm used to it". Personally, I think its a pretty admirable feat to get though her life and still be sane, but maybe thats just me. love you, babydoll :]

Schools getting harder, but I think I can make it. its sure teaching me how hard college is gonna be, thats for sure. but at the same time, its fun. I do enjoy a challenge.

I love reading stories so much. Its so relaxing to read to someone. I think I wouldn't mind becoming like a book reader for like audio books or maybe like a library. it would just be cool.

I think I can honestly say I have two best friends now, wich is really cool. don't think I've had a good guy friend in god knows how long. prolly since jr. high. its a cool feeling. even if he does have a small dick :P sorry, Hair.

so...yeah. thats me.

Strength and its cultivation

I feel like i did my job today. I was her pillar, her fortress, her sietch. Its a good feeling. But that feeling is far outweighed by the fact that this was a terrible day for my person. I think I've learned some lessons today, that I'd like to write down. This is not me sharing these with you, this is me fixing these lessons in my head.

• There is no deeper hurt than seeing your half-heart, your other you, your person, hurt.
• Knowing that they aren't alone can keep someone sane. sometimes it doesn't help one ounce to alleviate the life's pains, but it holds sanity in.
• Being strong is hard. And its embarrassing, but relieving, when your barriers fall and the tears finally come out.
• The things that made you feel better as a little kid still work, you just gotta give them a chance.
• sometimes moral support is the sturdiest support
• Sometimes life is as bad as it seems
• but even then one can work through it.

You are the strongest person I know, Kimberly Anne Case. Keep at it.

*EDIT: The quote of the day app on this very blog had an oddly appropriate quote that I just thought I would add to this:

"May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism."

i don't know how to ask it

so i'll write it instead.

please say you're sorry.

i promise i'll forgive you, i really do. just please say it.

remind me how much you care

OH. MY. BLOG!

my eyes are killing me. This reproductive nonsense is absolutely killing me. I've never worked so hard in my life. My eyes are completely crossed. for life, which I now know how starts. guhh....

I do kinda like this big font thing. makes it easy on my eyes.

anyhow, just an update on me. not an indepth one. maybe I'll actually sum up the events of january sometime, but I'm tired of typing.

laytah.

I am Benjamin

i am benjamin. I hate me.

i am benjamin. how can i forget something that I know doesn't apply anymoore.

i am benjamin. why can't I let go of it?

i am benjamin. why do i always manage to screw these kinds of thing up.

i am benjamin. i am king midas.

i am benjamin. help.

I am benjamin

I am benjamin. I like people.

i am benjamin, I don't like people sometimes.

i am benjamin. sometimes my inside-my-head sounds like the postal service, and sometimes like the beatles, and sometimes like the thermals.

i am benjamin, and I am trying to paint a picture.

i am benjamin, and I am in love.

i am benjamin, and I have decided not to capitalize anything in this post.

i am benjamin, and i covet innocence.

i am benjamin, and i have two awesome friends.

i am benjamin, and i try to be a good person.

i am benjamin, and sometimes i mess up on that.

i am benjamin, and that makes me sad.

i am benjamin, and the reason i say that is to remind me of who i am, because sometimes i forget.

that makes me sad too.

i am benjamin, and i wish my name was shorter, but not different.

i am benjamin, and k is my favorite letter.

i am benjamin, i wish i could believe in something.

i am benjamin, and i don't either. that was a lie. i think. i wish i knew.

i am benjamin, and i wish i knew myself better.

i am benjamin, and i am scared of the world.

i am benjamin, and sometimes i just want to build a blanket tent and hide and cry.

i am benjamin, and i try to be strong.

i am benjamin, and i love living.

i am benjamin, and i'm in love

i'm in love,


i'm in love.


from benjamin

HALP

you always say it's lost,
but ne're recall it's found,
you say that you're about to drown,
then stand on solid ground
you claim you brain is ill,
but in that I disagree,
your mind is full of things of worth,
at least they are to me,
every time this happens,
the next day sun does shine,
you in love, and I in love,
and I so glad you're mine,
I can't help with taxes,
much to my lament,
I can't pay the bills,
though I'd donate my last cent,
I can't find the thing that's lost,
and I can't pay the rent,
I'm tired of impotency,
I hate that I can't aid,
I wish I could sing you to sleep,
and make your troubles fade,
i wish someday i'de wake up,
and all bad things enmesh,
inside a big brown burlap sac,
and toss right off a cliff,
and then you'd be so happy,
my darling babylove,
and i could hold you in my arms,
and never let harm come.

I Hate Snow

last day of break, huh? faan-FUCKING-tastic. I hate snow so so so so so so much. I'm fucking stuck home absolutely alone all day. I can't go anywhere, or do anything. I hate to seem like a malcontent (not) but it always seems like it snows at the worst possible moment. like theres a god, and he's like, sorry? plans? bitch please. your plans just changed.

so now I'm stuck. don't get to see my kimberly anne. don't get to go thrift storing, don't get to do anything. I'm pretty much condemned to just sit at home and watch porn and play video games all day. pisses me off. I hate the snow. I'm moving to the sahara. warm up my stillsuit for me, I'll take worms over snow ANYday.goddamnit. maybe I'll get a resolution list up, not that it'll last long.

FUCK

I can't remember a GODDAMNED THING! I hate this. I never think. ever. I am a complete and utter airhead. fuck jealousy, my the thing I hate most about me is that. I never, ever think before I do, or say anything, then I'm suprised and upset when someone suffers because of it. it pisses me off. especially since theres no way to fix it, apparently. how am I supposed to "remember to remember" or "think about thinking before you speak or act before you speak or act" I have a problem with the basics of human relations.
christ. jesus fucking christ.

a good day to kick the year off with :]

-my kimberly anne cut her hairs, and looks more beautiful than ever :]
-we had a real fun time, and we bought hair dye!
-she dyed her hairs red, wich, as most of you know, is a huge turn on.
-I dyed my hairs black, so I feel good. I love it when I have black hairs.

doesn't sound like much, I know, but to me, this was a good day to start what could be one of the most important in my life. t-minus 365, guys.

peace