even though this year's kinda sucks, I think new years in general is my favorite holiday.probably because its one that I don't feel like I'm missing out on a vital aspect (the religious one, for those of you who don't know me.) sure, it can be religious if you want it to be, and I'm glad it can be, as it means that everyone can enjoy it. as for me, its a time tocelebrate progress, wich I think is one of the most deserving of things to celebrate. I love to look back and see who I've become. its really kinda cool. nothing post, as always.
happy new years guys.
peace
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Hmmm.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one's self-respect.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Why the change in name?
I've been wanting to change the URL and name o' the blog for a long time, but could never find anything that I liked. why did I wanna change?
well, my cup isn't empty anymore (pause for laughs, that's-what-she-saids, and lewd cracks about how small my penis is). okay. you done? thanks.
anyhow, I think when I started this, I wasn't really aware that I was growing up, but now, I think i've grown alot as a person over the past year, and as such "filled up my cup" a bit. I mean, I'm obviously not exactly brimming with wisdom yet, but I've grown, and my person is a little fuller and uniquely me now as the year comes to a close.
and I've got you guys to thank. all of you that read this have played a pretty fair part in that process, and continue to contribute, some more or less than others, but all important. so there you have it. no longer an empty cup, but a body of ideas, a cacophony of voices. an immense anatomy of sound, to be cultivated and shaped into me.
I'm ready for the new year.
peace
The verdict
Disclaimer: I do not base Christmas happiness on material possessions garnered from under the tree. this is merely my list and thoughts on what I got.
1.)Snowboard!
-very awesome, I don't have to rent anymore! excellent. hair, we're goin up the mountain soon, kay? I wanna go so bad now. it's weird, cuz my dad bought it an hour before I brought Kimberly in to big 5 to see it. its funny.
2.)Magnetic poetry board
really cool, thats what kickstarted the poem I just posted on the SKWB. its a bunch of magnetic words and a black metal board. it's so cool.
3.)Lego set(droid gunship)
awesome :] I havn't gotten legos in like four years :O
4.)Brisingr[book(inheritance no.3)]
the first two were good( eragon, eldest) but I've forgoton to much of them to read this. have to read those again first.
5.)a new journal
it 's like my little black book, only leather colored. vusing it as my poetry book, seeing how my old one is lost or something.
6.)Risk
exellent game
7.)an RCA mp3 player that refuses to work with iTunes. figures. oh well, I'm sure I'll find some use for it.
8.) a set of speakers in a water resistant sunglasses case
odd, I know, but kinda cool at the same time. haven't got a chance to try them out yet, so go figure.
9.) A SPECIAL EDITION COPY OF "DUNE"!
it's so pretty. origional art from the first publication, gold leaf pages, engreaved cover, leather cover. that bitch looks like a bible. it's awesome
most special of all( if you have a weak stomach, turn away now) :...
10.)My Kimberly Anne's micky mouse clock
wich she gave to me for safe keeping :]
awesome christmas.
Monday, December 22, 2008
ummm...
So I think the little letters you have to type in to confirm you aren't a robot are trying to communicate. it's scaring me a little. a week ago I was getting things like "kasjdfhi" and "jkjufo", but now I'm getting "tumbs" and "deacak". if things keep progressing this way, by next week i'll be getting things like "saveme" and in a month or so "diiieeee,hummmaannn!". yeesh. technology is fucking scary
I'm a lame blogger, I know...
2008 IS ALMOS
Staye
nope. not been single at all :O
Lost someo
perhaps. I dunno.
Cut class
nope. just wrists :P
Were invol
yup.
Tripp
don't actually have one.
Dyed your hair?
no :[
Came close
nope
Saw one of your favor
you kidding? my mum wouldn't let me see my favorite artists :P
2008:
Did you meet any new frien
yessir
Did you hate anyon
yessir
Do you have any regre
yeah kinda.
2008:
Did you have a cake?
ICE CREAM NOMZ!
Did you have a party
nope. just family :]
Did you get any prese
yup.
2008:
Did you chang
I should think so
Did you chang
not really.
Were you in schoo
Yes.
Did you get good grade
Hopefully
Did you have a job?
yes.
Did you drive
Yessir
Did you own a car?
nope. its registered to my padre
Did anyon
nooo?
Did you move at all?
nope.
Did you go on any vacat
kinda
Would
one or two things.
2008:
Was 2008 a good year?
yeah, I think it has been.
Do you think
most probably
IN THE YEAR 2008 I CONFE
Kisse
why? thats dumb. snow's cold.
Had your heart
Nope.
Went over the minut
nope.
Done somet
nope
Paint
yeah, but got mad and painted over them, then ran outta paints.
Wrote
a few.
Ran a mile?
perhaps all together :]
Shopp
nope.
Poste
>.< yes.
Visit
nope.
Cut in a line of waiti
don't recall
Told someo
probably
Cooke
nope.
Lied about
in jest, I'm sure.
Prank
nah.
IN 2008 I.....
Broke
a few, I'm sure.
Lied?
yes.
Cried
nope.
Disap
quite a few times i'm sure
Hid a secre
:/ yeah.
Prete
I am incapeable of pretending emotions. I wear those fuckers on my sleeve.
Slept
as cool as that would be? no :/
Kept your new years
I usually don't make those
Forgo
see above
Met someo
probably.
Chang
yeah.
Sat home all day doing
As little as I could.
Prete
no.
Given
nah. I try to stick to things. when I want to.
Lost somet
I'm sure.
Learn
I'm too jealous for my own good?
Tried
not that I know of. Iunno.
Made a chang
not too many
Found
already knew that.
Met great
yeah.
Staye
a few times
Cried
eh. you could say that.
Had frien
who doesn't?
Spent
yup.
Had a fist fight
nosir
Gotte
violently.
Liked
nope.
Becam
maybe not alot, but at least one, maybe two or three
damn
I hate being home alone. I can't do anything, can't go anywhere, and can't seem to enjoy anything I usually would. I could never live alone. I also hate not being able to help. not being able fix things, or just erase them out of history. I would give anything to fix things. to make things better.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Birth, The Faint
In the beginning there was semen,
In a deep mouth of flesh,
And the crest I traveled,
On a wave of virile mess.
Through a tunnel of mucus,
And on toward a vault,
With tourists and traffic,
I just paced myself.
Not I as my whole self,
Just the half that I had,
Before greeting the rest,
Of my better half.
A connection was made,
Through a shared love of science,
And vows were taken,
A seed was hired.
A cavern of fluid,
Brought shape to my hide,
In the months that remained,
Till the time of my life.
I thrashed for the reason,
Of spilling from the crack,
To the palms of a doctor,
To a towel full of scraps.
My brains wouldn't fit,
Through her organ of sex,
An incision was made,
With a scalpel and mask.
I should have noticed the beauty,
And not how it hurt,
Wet like a cherry,
In the bloodbath of birth
coolest song ever. its really kind of fascinatings, its the journey of a baby. I dunno why, but it just is a really cool idea for a song in my opinion
Saturday, December 20, 2008
How reluctantly the mind consents to reality!
-Norman Douglas
this quote made me think of kyle :]
Thursday, December 18, 2008
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. ~Françoise Sagan
my new favorite quote.
"People see themselves as the center of the universe and judge everything as it relates to them." Pilgrim, Peace
So, in accordance with the new title, I want you all from here on out to send me stuff. anything. pictures, videos, quotes, topics, headlines, you name it. if you send it to me, it will end up on my blog. you can even send requests as to whatI should do with it. kay? so anything that you come across, be it on the web, in a book, or IRL, gimme. If I own the center of the universe, I better start gettin more universal, neh?
thanks guys,
Management
P.S.
by send it to me, I mean email me. I'll have a seperate inbox made for this in just a sec so I can post it on a blog and not worry about getting flooded with "male enhancement" shit in my home mailbox.
P.P.S.
The address is "thehub@mac.hush.com". its in the text box right under the blog description at the top (the box that says "as a matter of fact, the universe does revolve around me")
Godamn II
well, it appears tommorow is finals day, and as such plans can be moved. still pissed that my kimberly anne has to stay home alone all day,though. I really hate snow.
goddamn.
and we couldn't have a snowday some other time, why?
theres frost on the ground. fucking FROST! and they close school? so all my perfect attendance was for naught, and I have to sit at home fucking all day, alone. thats my reward? plans are fucked, my day is fucked. I hate snow. and don't bother with the "life's not fair" posts. I know. I'm sulking. go away. I'm going back to bed. not that I'll be able to sleep.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
survey.
1
- Favor
Depends on whatfer?
2
- Worst
Every color looks good in some situation. but, if I had to say? probably lavender
3
- Favor
2
4
- Favor
couldn't tell you. probably tigers. or giant squid, p'r'aps?
5
- Least
Dogs? no, spiders.
6
- Favor
wild sunflowers
7
- Favor
don't know. depends. right now I feel like thai, so thai it is.
8
- Worst
ummmmm....green stuff. and probably, Based on what I've had, greek
9
- Favor
dirt pudding :]
10
- Worst
lucas *barf*
11
- Favor
I like the islands alot. and fudruckers. mmm. chzburgerz.
12
- Favor
strawberry mixed with white chocolate in a waffle cone.
13
- Favor
kisses. specially cherry cordial kisses :]
14
- Favor
champagne? i havn't really had enough variety to have a favorite.
15
- Favor
I love water. and cranberry juice, and iced tea. mmmm.
16
- Worst
Iunno
17
- Worst
soda.
18
- Favor
punk. and techno. and indie.
19
- Favor
have none.
20
- Favor
ummm....Beck. followed by the They Might Be Giants.
21
- Worst
Nickleback
22
- Favor
changes with the seasons. right now? "Babydoll" by the Fratellis
23
- Worst
not sure.
24
- Worst
country.
25
- Favor
DUNE!
26
- Worst
can't recall.
27
- Favor
Sci-Fi
28
- Worst
horror. I don't do horror.
29
- Favor
ummmm...I doon't know off the top of my head. I know independance day is one of my favorites, and a more recent favorite is everything is illuminated.
30
- Worst
Cloverfield.
31
- Favor
Stargate SG-1
32
- Worst
I don't know. I don't watch alotta tv.
33
- Favor
summer, plz.
34
- Worst
winter. DO NOT WANT!
35
- Best Frien
Kimberly Anne Case
36
- Worst
Don't have one.
37
- Favor
sat./sun.
38
- Least
tuesdays.
39
- Favor
SOCCER!
40
- Sport
mmmm....Baseball.
41
- One thing
:]
42
- One thing
secrets.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
i.
hate my Tourette's Guy habit. I want to stop. I hate my little "outbursts." so I want to be quite for a few days. aimaiable, and only vulgar at appropriate times. I expect you guys to hold me accountable.
thanks :]
Friday, December 12, 2008
People Are Different
I know this may not come as a surprise to many of you, but they really are. I never ever realized this. Everyone is. When we're sad, different things cheer us up, when we're angry, different things calm us down. It's amazing,t he complexity of people, that everyone is completely and utterly different.
And nothing is more satisfying than learning someone else. learning everything about them, and knowing them as well as you know yourself. I love the feeling after helping someone get through something.
lame post, I know. I don't think straight. I hate it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
20 speaks to 20 freaks :]
just kidding kids :p
1.) I hate you. You have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. But you are also a great friend. one of my best.
2.) My opinion of you has increased so much in the past few days. you are kind, compassionate, and funny. I can honestly say I now consider you one of my friends.
3.) You are so naive, but I see me in you. learn to shut up, and know what the hell you're talking about before you say anything. and life isn't fair. Deal.
4.) I love you. I wish I could show you just how much, but you tend to make it hard, and I never have time, anyway. I'm sorry.
5.) you suck. you are so fake, it's pitiful.
6.) you are awesome, but I expect alot more than this out of you. please pull it together?
7.) You are great. I hope you have an awesome life, cuz you sure as hell deserve it. just maybe learn a little tact?
8.) You make her life miserable, I hope you know. I don't know what your problem is. did you make it your goal to try to be as big a bitch as possible. you don't have to see her upset. it hurts worse than anything. suck balls and die.
9.) I love you. really, truly. but I just wish I could help you see just how amazing you really are. you are beautiful, funny, dedicated, intelligent, and sweet. stop focusing on your flaws. it hurts us both.
10.)Shut up about how gross gays are, okay? you can't back it up, and you sound like an asshole when you say these things. I have a very high opinion of you, but this tries my nerves.
11.) my opinion of you has gone down. alot. do what you say you will, and don't bitch about it. learn to do honest work, no bitching, moaning, or expect of fun comfort, or your way. do it and be done.
12.) If I were that way, you would be my best friend. it's a huge bummer. I wish you and I were more alike.
13.) You have no idea what you are doing to your husband. why don't you love him?
14.) you're a sweet kid. I wish I could live up to your hero worship, but I can never seem to. I'm sorry. so so sorry.
15.) I miss you, but you've changed alot. I think I miss something that doesn't exist.
16.) I really don't like you. I thought you were funny and witty at one time, but now I see you're just a raging douche with issues with anything that isn't "fair".
17.) I wan't you to know, being a raging asshole doesn't make you a bad ass. it makes you intolerable.
18.) I hate you. you don't know someone untill you've worked with them. you suck.
19.) I really wish you would learn that positive reinforcement works better than screaming.
20.) you are a very smart girl. I wish you made better descisions. I can see these comeing back to bite you in the ass.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
reflections
I looked in the mirror and saw many roads,
down which I could walk, into a different man grow.
And in this I realized, that t'was not a mirror,
but another man's eyes,
through his experience, I saw through my lies
today I saw aspects of me that I never realized through your guy's characters.
Through Jackson's Two-Bit, I saw my life's purpose
Through Kara's Cherry, I saw a flaw of mine that I never realized
Through Kyle's Two-Bit, I saw glimpses of who I want to be.
Through Cass's Cherry, I saw love.
you guys worked awesome today. I know only one, maybe two of you read this, but I just had to get that out there.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
20
1.) I am absolutely smitten with the idea of being a revolutionary. I love the idea of undermining the system, of fighting the power, of sticking it to the man, but I don't have the means, or the gumption. If I could stage a coup, I would. but I'm not eloquent enough, not convicted enough, and not motivated enough. so I guess I'm like a backseat rebel, yelling at everyone to hack the system, but never getting up and doing it myself.
2.) I am super co-dependent. I can't exist without someone else. Some people hate being "tied down" or whatever. I love it. I love having someone to devote my entire existence to. It makes me feel like I mean something in the grand scheme of things, which brings us to our first contradiction...
3.) I do not believe in God, or any other supreme being, or even a "Grand Scheme Of Things". I don't believe in fate, karma, or any such stuff. I believe that nothing happens for a reason. However, it doesn't make me feel alone or anything like that. It actually is kind of a cool feeling, because I'm in control of my life, and I don't have to worry about eternity, I just have to live my life well, and make an impact.
4.) I simultaneously love and hate people. I need people, I need attention, and I love learning about peoples lives, experiences, and stories. however, I hate dealing with "dumb people", who are basically anyone who pisses me off. so theoretically, it's possible to be a "dumb person" one day, and my favvie(well, after all my permanent favvies(who will be mentioned later(yes, being co-dependant, the people on my theoretical top "n" define a rather large bit of me)(I Love Parentheses!)))) the next.
5.) I hate confrontation (with peers,friends, and loved ones, authority is another story). I want everyone to love me, and am mortified of people not liking me. I'll do anything to please(well, nearly) and keep a friend.
6.) however, I seem to be kind of friend-defective when I'm sure a friend will like me no matter what. I tend to neglect people that I'm comfortable with. it's dumb. I know.
7.) I lie to much. I'm working on it, but I've always kind lived by that whole "easier to ask forgiveness than permission," which is a phrase I whole heartedly disagree with. Anything is game for this tendency. little things, trivial things, big things, or anywhere in between. and I both hate and love when someone calls me out, because they at least care enough to realize I'm bull shitting, but I get unreasonably pissed when I get called out on anything.
8.) When I get mad, I get SUPER mad. like, hulk-mad, but it blows over super soon. as soon as someone apologizes, I cool down like that. and if they don't, I start to feel bad after a few minutes alone. so I guess I'm kinda like a volcano(eww, bad analogy, but we'll get to analogies, later). slow to anger, but when it happens, it happens big, but only lasts a bit? I dunno. but yeah.
9.) I'd say jealousy is one of my biggest flaws, specially with my other half. I am so dumb about other peoples achievements, I can't be proud, or supportive like I should be. I hate it, and I get mad at myself for it. it's dumb, and I'm really trying to work on it, but it's not coming along very well :/
10.) I'm loyal to a fault. I don't care what you do to me, I still stick around, kinda like a puppy. Abandon me? still here, waiting for you to get back. Make me mad? I'll come whimpering back in about fifteen minutes asking you're forgiveness. Do any shit you feel like, and I'm sure I'll still love you.
(11-20)
11.) I have no initiative. There are so many things I'd love to do, so many people I'd like to say so many things to, but I never do. perhaps because of 4-6.
12.) I am mortified of dancing. I'll do most anything else, no matter how dumb, but Dancing scares me. I know I'll look stupid. I KNOW it. I look at people and say, "but they look just as stupid or worse", but I can't bring myself to do it. whatever your poison; slow, fast, bouncing, grinding, I am terrified. I go to dances for the excuse to lavish on my favorite human being for a day, and to get pictures. thats it. I know won't dance. I try to psyche myself up, but I just can't when I actually get to the dance. Dancing is my number one (frivolous) fear. or I suppose, looking stupid while dancing is my number one fear.
13.) I am a huge believer in "auras" if you will. I swear up and down I get "vibes" off of people. sometimes it's so bad I hate someone before they've said a word to me. even if they look, talk, and act completely normal, my opinion of someone is usually determined just by the "vibes" I get off you. this is not to say I'm always right, and sometimes I'm completely wrong about someone, but there're been quite a few times when I've been right, and have never changed my opinion after the fact. however, this is bad, because...
14.) It makes me super judgmental. first impressions is my middle name(s). it s a bad thing. it means i hate 75% of the people I meet before they've even said a word, and thats a bit detrimental.
15.) I am ARROGANT. with a capital I'm-better-than-you. I don't know what else to say about that. other than it's also a fault.
16.) I don't think things through. at all. thoughts pass through my lips before I have time to think about their long term repercussions. I say hurtful things, dumb things, and secret things. Dumb jokes and idiotically random things that I just don't think about. And it tends to give people the wrong impression of me. I'm sure I sound like a blubbering idiot sometimes. okay, most of the time. I feel like I could come across as a much smarter, more mature person if I could just learn to think before I speak.
17.)I am a compulsive apologizer. Everything that goes wrong I feel is my fault. your dog dies? my fault, cause I can't bring it back. You lost a hundred dollars? I can't afford to give it to you. you slept in and miss your flight? Damn it, why don't I have a plane and a pilots license. get the idea? EVERYTHING is my fault...in my mind.
18.) I have no motivation. It'll take me forever to finish these, because i just lose interest after a bit. that's why I can't get any better at art. I want to paint, but I ran out of paint about 6 months ago and have never bought any more. I wish I could draw, but I get discouraged and don't pick up a pencil for weeks at a time. I'd love to learn to take better pictures, but I'm just not inspired to keep trying. Mostly due to....
19.) My hatred of my own work. I can't see past the flaws in anything that pertains to me. I hate every single mistake I make, every character flaw, every messy line, every picture that doesn't look like it did in my head, makes me just want to quit.
20.) I have a cursing problem. I pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. my mum says that people who curse are just to dumb to use real words, so they fill in their speech with expletives, and I think that still bugs me whenever I say anything bad.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Kimberly Anne
this is the only sure fire way I know to reach you at the moment. I hope that for some reason you check the blogs before you go to bed. check your email.
Friday, October 17, 2008
growing pains.
i look at our blogs and thats what i see. I see us growing up. and it frightens me a little bit.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Idea theft.
Well, Inspired by my kimberly anne's "next blog" post, I hit the button, and I actually found a blog (le gaspe!) in my own native tongue (no not geek, you wise-asses.) engrish.
it wasn't much, not even philosophical by any means. just some lady with a little personal tradition.
she takes pictures of where she is with her feet in them. nothing much, just a little something she does to keep boredom at bay, but it kinda touched me in some odd way. I dunno why. I guess that whole "connecting with someone you don't know". it's kind cool. it's like, i've seen a piece of her life, so we're connected, you know? I'll never know her, and I probably won't even remember her name, but its there, you know? a little piece of a human expeiriance other than my own. it's kinda cool. I guess it's the same kind of small high you get when you find words in a used book. just a piece of someone elses life that became part of yours by chance.
anywho, just a cool little feeling. another small high. I feel a new URL coming onnn.....
oh and beeteedubyah, this is her blog:
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Small highs
you know those times when you do something so simple and mundane, but you just feel great? Like the world is cool for a few minutes. nothings wrong, everything's pleasant, and you don't have a care in the world? well, I just had one of those. Small highs( i know, it's a weird, misleading term, but it was a title of a book that I saw once, and I know what it means now.)
After "acadec" (for posterity's sake, I put quotes around it cuz all we did was watch t.v. and make fun of it.) Kimberly and I wanted to go to coffee mania, so we scrounged up 2.29 in change from my car and got our drinks, then went for a walk. and as mundane as that sounds, It was just awesome, you know? we just got to talk for a bit. watched the sunset. it was awesome. it's moments like those where I kinda feel my inner cynic kinda take a break. everythings just so...good, and I feel obligated to be good for a bit as well.
so I guess whet I'm tryin' to say is, kids, enjoy the small highs. lifes not about the big stuff. it's about sharing good times with the ones you love.
and enjoy this post, cuz I'm back to bitchin' for bitchin's sake till my next high ;]
peace.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
it doesn't feel good when other people hurt.
I really really wish I could fix everything. My dad feels like my mums friends are taking her away from him, and all I can do is sit on the sidelines. he doesn't have any friends to help him through it either. it's terrifying to watch. I just wish I could fix everything. that is all.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I'm sorry doesn't cut it,but
Here goes. I now realize it was a shitty thing to do to post that blog. I could give excuses and say that I didn't mean it or I was in a bad mood, but that wouldn't change anything. but regardless of not being able to take back words, I am sorry. really sorry. I did it again. and it's really a huge bummer, because we were starting to be friends again, heather, and that was really cool. but I blew it, and I suppose that's that.
So I guess this really is just a nothing blog, because it won't accomplish anything, but I just had to get it out there for you. I really am sorry, and I would love a third, or fourth(or whatever chance I'm on right now), but were I in your place, heather? I wouldn't give it to me, so I won't blame you if you decide not to.
I wouldn't be surprised if this made things worse for some unforeseen reason, and I probably should have said this in person, but I dunno. I guess I'm just not brave enough. more than likely you won't read this anyway, and I won't have the balls to say anything in real life. I reaally piss myself off sometimes.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
1/7
This is the beginning of a weeklong series of blogs that cass has thought up the topics for. todays topic:
THE OUTSIDERS
I am squeamish. alright, that's an understatement. so far, my long run prediction is that it flops. and heather I know you read this, so I'm sorry. I don't think its any fault of yours. though I don't technically think you're qualified to assistant direct (and just to clarify, I am not insinuating anyone, especially me, is at this point) but I think you'll/'de be able to make up for it in passion about the story. however, all I see is willard being an insufferable douche, no one having the time, or the drive necessary, no ensemble and like 7 weeks till opening. that, m'dears, is a recipe for trouble.
so, my feelings on the outsiders? A great, well written play with no time and a cast who's heart doesn't seem to be in it. I hope it'll change, I really do, but I dunno.
Heather, I hope you can pull a miracle out of you're hat. please prove my prediction incorrect?
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Songs I want played at my feuneral
Blue orchid-the white stripes
right after the speaker is done, I want something that will absolutely horrify the people who don't know me but that the people who do know me will laugh their asses of at to happen. Then the song'll come on as soon s that happens. and somehow I'll tell them from beyond and tell them to get mad drunk that night, cause life's to short to waste mourning over a pompous ass like me.
Please stop for the dead.
So, Apparently that stupid foreword is going around again. no surprises here. which one, you ask? The Sept. 11th one.
"What?" you say,"why don't you agree with it? what about that dead presidents bit? makes sense."
well, I just think that were I one of those people that died that day, I would not want all educational progress halted simple because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Quite the opposite, actually. I, personally, think that on september eleventh almost more than any other day we should have school. We should go and be grateful for our chance to do what those unfortunate people in the towers will never be able to do again. to live, to learn, to just be. Yes, we should remember them, but while we learn, while we work, while we live. I feel that that is what almost every single one of them would want that more than a day when we sat and thought nothing of them because we had a free day to fuck around with our friends.
As for the day off for the dead presies bit, I feel the same way about those, so if you really want to sound like you care about people that died, send around a text that says "on presidents day this year, show up at school and beat on the doors until they let you in. drag the teachers to their class rooms, and make them teach you, because it's what George, Abe, and every other good dead soul that's passed on would want."
So don't pretend you're a good person because you don't want school on Sept. 11th. you only want it so you have an excuse to fuck off, and you know it. so shut the hell up.
*disclaimer: I like presies day and every other day like it because I like to fuck off and have no school, but thats cause I'm a cynical, hypocritical bastard that's going to Hell.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I think that I get over people faster than one should. like, not relationships. definitely not those, as I'm sure you know, but as for people that I lose contact with? I just really don't care almost immediately after they're gone, and I feel kinda bad, cuz when some one tells me "I miss hanging out with you" or, "why don't we ever talk anymore", I can't really say anything sympathetic. It's like, if you aren't here, and we aren't super close( I can't stress that enough. if i ever lost any of you who read this, You bet your ass i'd miss you), you just kind of become not real. I dunno. random thought.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I'm ready, I am.
Cass asked me a question today that kinda got me thinkin'. On our way to her house to drop her off, she mentioned that she felt like she was growing up. then she asked me if I was growing up.
It's kind of an odd question ,"ben, are you growing up?" but at the same time, it's really quite a deep question, and a hard one at that. I'm pretty sure my answer is yes, though.
Thing is, it kinda snuck up on me. after I read Kimberly's blog on sea turtles, I immediately thought, "that sounds absolutely terrifying, I'm glad I don't feel that way.", but then, as I thought more about it, I realized that really, I did. Life is huge, and me? I'm just a spec. A particle pushed at by forces I have no idea what are. and that scared me. I realised that I've been thinking like Zaphod after the encounter with the absolute perspective vortex. That I am the most important person in my universe(not the universe, mind, but mine.). but now I've sampled the real vortex, and it's really a frightening feeling.
However, on even further reflection today,I think that I'm well on my way for being ready. Just one step at a time, and I think I'll be able to make it. I'm stabilizing, y'know? I'm ready for my next great adventure. and I think that this time, I'll be well packed, well prepared and ready.
I always wonder if I'm going to be a good husband, a good father, and obviously, I won't know 'till then, but I'm starting to think that I just might be. I think I just might be able to be at least as great as my dad has been, to both his wife, and his family, concieted as that sounds. He's given me alot. obviously some of the things he gave me I won't keep, but most of it is good stuff. so yeah.
Thanks Dad, though you'll probably never read this.(I have no intention of telling you about it till I've moved out. I cuss to much.), but yeah. I really don't know if I'd be half the person I am if it weren't for you.
And thanks to cassidi, for bringing this up,
and biggest thanks to my Kimberly Anne, who's been by me pretty much this whole time, for doing just that. sticking by me, making me think,teaching me patience, and teaching me how to put others before myself.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
number 3 blog in a day!? don't get too exited.
Why are people so in love with "new starts"? is it not enough to just live with the old start? I've had plenty of times where I've wanted to "start anew" so to speak, so I guess I can kinda see the rational behind it, but at the same time, no matter what, it never was a real "do-over" just a mending of broken aspects. I myself am a fan of life. the whole picture. can you really enjoy the whole book when you go back and re-write everything you didn't like? no, I don't think so. I want to read the book cover to cover. to experience everything life has to offer. and that means not erasing the bits that are already experienced.
*disclaimer: I do not fancy a supreme creator as the author. the analogy stops there.
I like spoons
So I just watched salad fingers 1, 2, and 3. I thought old greg was worse. Salad fingers was just kind of annoying. His voice pissed me off. Though I did cringe a few times, like when he lets go of the oven door. and the bit about nettles, and hubert cumberdale in the meat plant, but other than that. nothing.
I've figured out why I don't blog very often. I think that it makes me feel mundane. trying to think of something to write about, I think "welll...I think today was a good day, but it was just an ordinary good day. no one wants to read that." and thus whatever I was thinking about blogging about never gets put on the tubes.
And I'm already tired of school. just sayin.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
damnit.
damnit,damnit,damnit.
I am a coward.
maybe thats my secret.
too afraid of your mom to even simply walk in and give you your phone.
Just sat there for a bit, gave your phone to matt, and fucking left.
and then i'm lame enough to fucking blog about it.
i've always told myself that I handle conflict better than anyone I know, cause I keep a "cool head". it's a crock of shit. I'm just not brave enough to do anything about it.
you deserve better.
Love the People
I am afraid of people. not individuals or small groups, mind you, but just us. The Masses, I guess you could say. Especially America, and every other privileged, rich, first world country's people.
Libertarianism and national pride are my main concerns. we've all been told since birth that we should do what we want to do and not worry about what anyone else says. "be true to your heart" and all. But then, at the same time, we are bombarded with this weird sentiment that anyone born outside the US is somehow inferior to the ones born within its confines. Somehow us United States natives passed through some cosmic phenomena on our way to mommy's belly that let us achieve a level of awesome unattainable otherwise.
I'm sure this is a recurring idea in most other countries, But I don't live no-wer' but 'merica, so thats all I know. but even here you can see the same thing rampant in our religions, states, schools, everything. now, I'm not saying a bit of friendly rivalry is bad. quite the opposite really. It's nice to get worked up for a fun event, but todays people take it to far. As far as most rabid cougar fans see, Blue ridge might as well have raped their mothers, killed their children and sent that nasty chain letter that destroyed their love life because they didn't forward it to ten people.
We've got so wrapped up in this it seems, that we really just don't really care what's going on. at all. Another thing that irks/scares me is this pure-libertarian mentality that seems to be propagating at a rather fast rate. Everything is for me, and I can do everything by myself. sounds very similar to the average pre-teen's veiw of the world. and preteens don't exactly better the human race do they? (eewwwwwwww....). It is very hard to make real progress as a race with this pervading MEMEMEMEMEME! mentality going on. I know that we've made some pretty awesome developements in the past few decades, and that's great. but really, that isn't progress as I'd like to see it. in my opinion our "breakthroughs" (of which about 50% seem to me to just be rehashes of old stuff just a little better) are akin to said preteen growing boobs. they're a nice addition, but really, the girl is still an annoying preteen. I want to see MATURITY in pre-teen america. and not just america. the world. We need to shut the hell up about "me" and start trying to move "us" forward.
*disclaimer: I wrote this in like tree sittings, so it's bound to be a bit inconsistent. so look at it more as a vent than a well thought out gripe. kthnx. I stop typing now. I has the dumb
Thursday, August 21, 2008
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Guess where I'm typing this from? my new ibook! I'm super exited. so yeah. I really don't have much to talk about, I just wanted to let you all(3) know that I'll actually be able to blog when the thought strikes in the middle of the night now, so you should be happy, I think.
so yeah. peace.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I promise not to terror you.
I found a new web comic that I absolutely adore. one that looks at life not how it is, but how it should be. where moths carry cars away, people write nice things on your arms when you pass out at a party, and paris is just another bullshit town.
In other news, I got all exited today because I thought I had more money than I did. eh. such is life, I guess. I thought I'd be able to order my Eee this check, but it turns out I have to wait another two weeks. oh well. I'll live. I wish I had more philosophical things to say, but I can never think of them. oh well.
and I hate having an english teacher read my blogs. I get self conscious about my spelling and grammer and shit. oi :P
(just kidding Misss Abel :P)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Backet List mk.II
Things to do before I die:
-go storm chasing
-kiss in said storm
-meet at the geohashing meeting place of the given day
-Fulfill my painting studio fantasy
-Take a Hot Air Ballon
-Buy a private yacht
-Get kicked out of a thrift store for making out on one of their couches :]
Thursday, June 26, 2008
report II
mmkay. news from the front. Looking through eBay today, I found quite a few 4g for under 350 bones. most closer to 325. and some I looked at even had upgraded ram, which is awsome, but I'll cover what I found out about that later.
anywho, as a possible second option, I started looking again at the 2g surfs, and was pleasently surprised, as with quite a bit of tweaking, I'd still be able to run eeeXubuntu(a trimmed down version of ubuntu 7.10(Gutsy Gibbon)), while looking into this I found a nifty link* for what the writer refered to as linux Liposuction. or Xubuntu in under a gig.with this, though I'm not sure, I should be able to eventualy(after buying a decent sized SD card) run Compiz-fusion(what Beryl is now, I found out) on the 2g. but that sd card probably'll bring me up to the same ammount as a stock 4g surf, but with no upgradable RAM, which I was hoping to do ASAP.
So the 2g is still out probably, but it's still a thought.
but, as for the RAM that yesterday I said was un-upgradable, and today say the opposite, I was looking at the wiki page, and found that 4g non surfs do have an acces hatch to the RAM, and 4g surfs in black generally(i love being sure) have that acces hatch, where 4g surfs in white might(oi) have them. so based on that, I'll probably end up with a 4g non surf**. or a black surf if I absolutly cannot wait.
but I'm glad Ubuntu and Compiz are still in reach, relitively simply. so yeah.
Ebay progress bar: $100.89/$325.00~350.00
*http://po-ru.com/diary/linux-liposuction-or-xubuntu-in-under-a-gig-on-the-eee-pc/
**which sucks cuz the only difference you get for 50 bones (besides the knowledge that it'll have the RAM access) is a web cam. who needs a webcam? If I really want one I could buy a better one aftermarket for 25~50 bucks. oi.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
begin progress report
This is my asus 4g eee pc. well, rather it will be. this entry is just kinda the carrot imma have to dangle in front of my nose for 3 more paychecks so I don't get side tracked.
it's a very nice little machine. specs are:
- 4 Gig of hard drive memory.
I. not much I realise, but my current libary of music'll only fill half of that(technicaly only 1.6~8 gig) plus theres also the option of an SD card. so no worrys.
II. plus it's an SSD(solid state drive) meaning less suseptible to drops and shakes than the normal disk hard drive.
- A little 900 mHz celeron processor.
I.no hardcore gaming on this machine, but thats not its purpose. so 900 mHz aint bad for surfing and doc sharing.
- 512 Mb of onboard RAM(random access memory)
I.really the only thing I'm not impressed with. they could've easily ft a gig in there. but then I suppose the little price would go up a bit. eh.
II.plus the fact that its soldered in there,so you can't upgrade the ram. or the hard drive, for that matter. someone had an itchy trigger finger on the soldering gun.
- Nice form factor, tiny, nice little 7" screen, three USB ports(the only things I'll usae with USB are my graphics pad and my sd card reader, and maybe a USB mouse. but either way, plenty)
~
Anyhow, I plan to bin the default OS (Xandros) for a bit nicer(in my opinion) Linux OS (ubuntu) and hopefully running Beryll, cuz that shit is CRAZY cool. and perhaps in the long run I'll pick up parallels and run XP on the side. dunno.
anyway, thanks for reading my geek moment. :]
current progress: $100.89/$399.00
next paycheck: 7.4.08
I have no patience.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Another one bites the dust.
It's a rather sad thing, but it gives me a sense of smug satisfaction when christians are unfaithful, or alchoholics, or just basic, human beings. isn't it funny, how they have christ in their lives, but they still manage to make the same mistakes everyone else does?
how many times in my churchgoing career did I hear, "try to be like christ. Be like christ and you'll get more and more people to come to him."
never once have I seen someone who is trying to be like christ in any believable way.
I also always heard '"actions speak louder than words. speak through your life, not your mouth."
and I do. though I've rejected my old beliefs, I still try to speak with my life. you don't love through lip service, you don't commit through a spoken promise. you do. and people see that you're genuine.
a while back I heard of a friend, once a "brother in christ" so to speak, had been cheating on his wife. now his wife wasn't the easiest person to live with, i'm sure, and she wasn't the most attractive either, but he made the choice to love her. to support her and to stand by her no matter what. and christ as his witness, he said "I Do".
but apparently, christ would've cheated.
I'm tired of fakes. of hypocrytes, of lip service to that witch is supposed to bring so much good. show me one. even one christian who strives his hardest to be a "little christ," and I'll eat my hat.
there is no such animal. Christianity died with christ.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Bucket List, part I
Things to do before I die:
-go storm chasing
-kiss in said storm
-meet at the geohashing meeting place of the given day
-Fulfill my painting studio fantasy
-Take a Hot Air Ballon
-Buy a private yacht
Saturday, May 31, 2008
When all else fails...
Oi. its been one of those days where everything just feels off-kilter.
I have seperation anxiety.
Damn it. I'm gonna go blow up some zombies.
Friday, May 30, 2008
a small vent
I hate it when I think that I've upset someone, but it's absolutely impossible to know at the time being. cuz I can't fix it, I can't talk about it, and it just sits there inside my head. Especially when you factor in the fact that I usualy read more into things than nessesary, so it could be a non issue, but then it says "but wht if you aren't overreading this time? what if you really did upset her? you screwed up." and then I just stew in this going round and round untill I can talk to the person I may or may not have wronged.
and I end up blogging about it. damn it.
This is my new favorite XKCD. I dunno how i missed it, but I love it.*note: this does not count toward my one post a week goal.
this one too! it goes with my last post!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Bang!
Ahhhh! I'm so exited! the LHC(Large Hadron Collider) is going online next month! the biggest scientific tool ever created! They're gonna find some amazing stuff, I'm sure of it. they're gonna smash hadrons, little groups of quarks, so we'll get even smaller things.
Okay, so I admit, it doesn't sound that impressive, but rest assured, it is. when you consider we know nearly nothing of the quark, let alone what makes it up, this'll give quantum physics a huge boost.
I'm such a geek, I know.
Monday, May 26, 2008
It's times of emotional angst when I blog the most consistently and philosophically. sadly, I have no such angst at this time. But, this Summer I've decided to give myself a goal. I've decided to try to post at least once a week. Rain or shine, angst or no angst. So yeah.
Summer; Chapter I
Video games are the devil. they suck you in and just as you start to think, "this is pointless and I'm not doing anything worthwhile", they say back to you "just a little further. a little further and then you can leave". but you never do. oi. Damn Resident Evil 4.
I've discovered that I can't watch movies alone. at all. I've got 5-6 movies on loan to me, but I just can't bring myself to actually sit down and watch them. I can't even watch my favorites alone. a week ago I put transformers in and within fifteen minutes, I shut it off.
Yesterday, I got to thinking, and found that the absolute value of infinity is 2 x infinity. at least, if you look at it from the standpoint that infinity contains withing itself both positive and negative infinity and they go on infinitely in their own rights and loop back on themselves infinitely. so the total distance from zero is both the absolute distance going negative and going positive. 2 infinities! cool, right?
goddamn this sounds inane, even to me. eh. hope for angst, I guess.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Advent
I'm here. I've given in. I'm a blogger. I've sacrificed my right to aloofness(wich is now a word, if it wasn't) for connection. you should both be ashamed of yourselves.
Just kidding. I enjoy blogging. not that I ever get around to it.
I still feel like a sellout, mind you.
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