Strength and its cultivation

I feel like i did my job today. I was her pillar, her fortress, her sietch. Its a good feeling. But that feeling is far outweighed by the fact that this was a terrible day for my person. I think I've learned some lessons today, that I'd like to write down. This is not me sharing these with you, this is me fixing these lessons in my head.

• There is no deeper hurt than seeing your half-heart, your other you, your person, hurt.
• Knowing that they aren't alone can keep someone sane. sometimes it doesn't help one ounce to alleviate the life's pains, but it holds sanity in.
• Being strong is hard. And its embarrassing, but relieving, when your barriers fall and the tears finally come out.
• The things that made you feel better as a little kid still work, you just gotta give them a chance.
• sometimes moral support is the sturdiest support
• Sometimes life is as bad as it seems
• but even then one can work through it.

You are the strongest person I know, Kimberly Anne Case. Keep at it.

*EDIT: The quote of the day app on this very blog had an oddly appropriate quote that I just thought I would add to this:

"May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism."

i don't know how to ask it

so i'll write it instead.

please say you're sorry.

i promise i'll forgive you, i really do. just please say it.

remind me how much you care

OH. MY. BLOG!

my eyes are killing me. This reproductive nonsense is absolutely killing me. I've never worked so hard in my life. My eyes are completely crossed. for life, which I now know how starts. guhh....

I do kinda like this big font thing. makes it easy on my eyes.

anyhow, just an update on me. not an indepth one. maybe I'll actually sum up the events of january sometime, but I'm tired of typing.

laytah.

I am Benjamin

i am benjamin. I hate me.

i am benjamin. how can i forget something that I know doesn't apply anymoore.

i am benjamin. why can't I let go of it?

i am benjamin. why do i always manage to screw these kinds of thing up.

i am benjamin. i am king midas.

i am benjamin. help.

I am benjamin

I am benjamin. I like people.

i am benjamin, I don't like people sometimes.

i am benjamin. sometimes my inside-my-head sounds like the postal service, and sometimes like the beatles, and sometimes like the thermals.

i am benjamin, and I am trying to paint a picture.

i am benjamin, and I am in love.

i am benjamin, and I have decided not to capitalize anything in this post.

i am benjamin, and i covet innocence.

i am benjamin, and i have two awesome friends.

i am benjamin, and i try to be a good person.

i am benjamin, and sometimes i mess up on that.

i am benjamin, and that makes me sad.

i am benjamin, and the reason i say that is to remind me of who i am, because sometimes i forget.

that makes me sad too.

i am benjamin, and i wish my name was shorter, but not different.

i am benjamin, and k is my favorite letter.

i am benjamin, i wish i could believe in something.

i am benjamin, and i don't either. that was a lie. i think. i wish i knew.

i am benjamin, and i wish i knew myself better.

i am benjamin, and i am scared of the world.

i am benjamin, and sometimes i just want to build a blanket tent and hide and cry.

i am benjamin, and i try to be strong.

i am benjamin, and i love living.

i am benjamin, and i'm in love

i'm in love,


i'm in love.


from benjamin

HALP

you always say it's lost,
but ne're recall it's found,
you say that you're about to drown,
then stand on solid ground
you claim you brain is ill,
but in that I disagree,
your mind is full of things of worth,
at least they are to me,
every time this happens,
the next day sun does shine,
you in love, and I in love,
and I so glad you're mine,
I can't help with taxes,
much to my lament,
I can't pay the bills,
though I'd donate my last cent,
I can't find the thing that's lost,
and I can't pay the rent,
I'm tired of impotency,
I hate that I can't aid,
I wish I could sing you to sleep,
and make your troubles fade,
i wish someday i'de wake up,
and all bad things enmesh,
inside a big brown burlap sac,
and toss right off a cliff,
and then you'd be so happy,
my darling babylove,
and i could hold you in my arms,
and never let harm come.

I Hate Snow

last day of break, huh? faan-FUCKING-tastic. I hate snow so so so so so so much. I'm fucking stuck home absolutely alone all day. I can't go anywhere, or do anything. I hate to seem like a malcontent (not) but it always seems like it snows at the worst possible moment. like theres a god, and he's like, sorry? plans? bitch please. your plans just changed.

so now I'm stuck. don't get to see my kimberly anne. don't get to go thrift storing, don't get to do anything. I'm pretty much condemned to just sit at home and watch porn and play video games all day. pisses me off. I hate the snow. I'm moving to the sahara. warm up my stillsuit for me, I'll take worms over snow ANYday.goddamnit. maybe I'll get a resolution list up, not that it'll last long.

FUCK

I can't remember a GODDAMNED THING! I hate this. I never think. ever. I am a complete and utter airhead. fuck jealousy, my the thing I hate most about me is that. I never, ever think before I do, or say anything, then I'm suprised and upset when someone suffers because of it. it pisses me off. especially since theres no way to fix it, apparently. how am I supposed to "remember to remember" or "think about thinking before you speak or act before you speak or act" I have a problem with the basics of human relations.
christ. jesus fucking christ.

a good day to kick the year off with :]

-my kimberly anne cut her hairs, and looks more beautiful than ever :]
-we had a real fun time, and we bought hair dye!
-she dyed her hairs red, wich, as most of you know, is a huge turn on.
-I dyed my hairs black, so I feel good. I love it when I have black hairs.

doesn't sound like much, I know, but to me, this was a good day to start what could be one of the most important in my life. t-minus 365, guys.

peace