I think that I get over people faster than one should. like, not relationships. definitely not those, as I'm sure you know, but as for people that I lose contact with? I just really don't care almost immediately after they're gone, and I feel kinda bad, cuz when some one tells me "I miss hanging out with you" or, "why don't we ever talk anymore", I can't really say anything sympathetic. It's like, if you aren't here, and we aren't super close( I can't stress that enough. if i ever lost any of you who read this, You bet your ass i'd miss you), you just kind of become not real. I dunno. random thought.

I'm ready, I am.

Cass asked me a question today that kinda got me thinkin'. On our way to her house to drop her off, she mentioned that she felt like she was growing up. then she asked me if I was growing up. 

It's kind of an odd question ,"ben, are you growing up?" but at the same time, it's really quite a deep question, and a hard one at that. I'm pretty sure my answer is yes, though.

Thing is, it kinda snuck up on me. after I read Kimberly's blog on sea turtles, I immediately thought, "that sounds absolutely terrifying, I'm glad I don't feel that way.", but then, as I thought more about it, I realized that really, I did. Life is huge, and me? I'm just a spec. A particle pushed at by forces I have no idea what are. and that scared me. I realised that I've been thinking like Zaphod after the encounter with the absolute perspective vortex. That I am the most important person in my universe(not the universe, mind, but mine.). but now I've sampled the real vortex, and it's really a frightening feeling.

However, on even further reflection today,I think that I'm well on my way for being ready. Just one step at a time, and I think I'll be able to make it. I'm stabilizing, y'know? I'm ready for my next great adventure. and I think that this time, I'll be well packed, well prepared and ready.

I always wonder if I'm going to be a good husband, a good father, and obviously, I won't know 'till then, but I'm starting to think that I just might be. I think I just might be able to be at least as great as my dad has been, to both his wife, and his family, concieted as that sounds. He's given me alot. obviously some of the things he gave me I won't keep, but most of it is good stuff. so yeah. 

Thanks Dad, though you'll probably never read this.(I have no intention of telling you about it till I've moved out. I cuss to much.), but yeah. I really don't know if I'd be half the person I am if it weren't for you.

And thanks to cassidi, for bringing this up,

and biggest thanks to my Kimberly Anne, who's been by me pretty much this whole time, for doing just that. sticking by me, making me think,teaching me patience, and teaching me how to put others before myself.

number 3 blog in a day!? don't get too exited.

Why are people so in love with "new starts"? is it not enough to just live with the old start? I've had plenty of times where I've wanted to "start anew" so to speak, so I guess I can kinda see the rational behind it, but at the same time, no matter what, it never was a real "do-over" just a mending of broken aspects. I myself am a fan of life. the whole picture. can you really enjoy the whole book when you go back and re-write everything you didn't like? no, I don't think so. I want to read the book cover to cover. to experience everything life has to offer. and that means not erasing the bits that are already experienced.

*disclaimer: I do not fancy a supreme creator as the author. the analogy stops there.

I like spoons

So I just watched salad fingers 1, 2, and 3. I thought old greg was worse. Salad fingers was just kind of annoying. His voice pissed me off. Though I did cringe a few times, like when he lets go of the oven door. and the bit about nettles, and hubert cumberdale in the meat plant, but other than that. nothing. 

I've figured out why I don't blog very often. I think that it makes me feel mundane. trying to think of something to write about, I think "welll...I think today was a good day, but it was just an ordinary good day. no one wants to read that." and thus whatever I was thinking about blogging about never gets put on the tubes.

And I'm already tired of school. just sayin.

damnit.

damnit,damnit,damnit.

I am a coward.

maybe thats my secret.

too afraid of your mom to even simply walk in and give you your phone. 

Just sat there for a bit, gave your phone to matt, and fucking left.

and then i'm lame enough to fucking blog about it. 

i've always told myself that I handle conflict better than anyone I know, cause I keep a "cool head". it's a crock of shit. I'm just not brave enough to do anything about it.

you deserve better.

Love the People

I am afraid of people. not individuals or small groups, mind you, but just us. The Masses, I guess you could say.  Especially America, and every other privileged, rich, first world country's people. 

Libertarianism and national pride are my main concerns. we've all been told since birth that we should do what we want to do and not worry about what anyone else says. "be true to your heart" and all. But then, at the same time, we are bombarded with this weird sentiment that anyone born outside the US is somehow inferior to the ones born within its confines. Somehow us United States natives passed through some cosmic phenomena on our way to mommy's belly that let us achieve a level of awesome unattainable otherwise. 

I'm sure this is a recurring idea in most other countries, But I don't live no-wer' but 'merica,  so thats all I know. but even here you can see the same thing rampant in our religions, states, schools, everything. now, I'm not saying a bit of friendly rivalry is bad. quite the opposite really. It's nice to get worked up for a fun event, but todays people take it to far. As far as most rabid cougar fans see, Blue ridge might as well have raped their mothers, killed their children and sent that nasty chain letter that destroyed their love life because they didn't forward it to ten people. 

We've got so wrapped up in this it seems, that we really just don't really care what's going on. at all. Another thing that irks/scares me is this pure-libertarian mentality that seems to be propagating at a rather fast rate. Everything is for me, and I can do everything by myself. sounds very similar to the average pre-teen's veiw of the world. and preteens don't exactly better the human race do they? (eewwwwwwww....). It is very hard to make real progress as a race with this pervading MEMEMEMEMEME! mentality going on. I know that we've made some pretty awesome developements in the past few decades, and that's great. but really, that isn't progress as I'd like to see it. in my opinion our "breakthroughs" (of which about 50% seem to me to just be rehashes of old stuff just a little better) are akin to said preteen growing boobs. they're a nice addition, but really, the girl is still an annoying preteen. I want to see MATURITY in pre-teen america. and not just america. the world. We need to shut the hell up about "me" and start trying to move "us" forward.

*disclaimer: I wrote this in like tree sittings, so it's bound to be a bit inconsistent. so look at it more as a vent than a well thought out gripe. kthnx. I stop typing now. I has the dumb

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Guess where I'm typing this from? my new ibook! I'm super exited. so yeah. I really don't have much to talk about, I just wanted to let you all(3) know that I'll actually be able to blog when the thought strikes in the middle of the night now, so you should be happy, I think.

so yeah. peace.

Economics haunts me.

http://www.qwantz.com/comics/comic2-18.png

this is my favorite asofterworld. ever.