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1.) I am absolutely smitten with the idea of being a revolutionary. I love the idea of undermining the system, of fighting the power, of sticking it to the man, but I don't have the means, or the gumption. If I could stage a coup, I would. but I'm not eloquent enough, not convicted enough, and not motivated enough. so I guess I'm like a backseat rebel, yelling at everyone to hack the system, but never getting up and doing it myself.

2.) I am super co-dependent. I can't exist without someone else. Some people hate being "tied down" or whatever. I love it. I love having someone to devote my entire existence to. It makes me feel like I mean something in the grand scheme of things, which brings us to our first contradiction...

3.) I do not believe in God, or any other supreme being, or even a "Grand Scheme Of Things". I don't believe in fate, karma, or any such stuff. I believe that nothing happens for a reason. However, it doesn't make me feel alone or anything like that. It actually is kind of a cool feeling, because I'm in control of my life, and I don't have to worry about eternity, I just have to live my life well, and make an impact.

4.) I simultaneously love and hate people. I need people, I need attention, and I love learning about peoples lives, experiences, and stories. however, I hate dealing with "dumb people", who are basically anyone who pisses me off. so theoretically, it's possible to be a "dumb person" one day, and my favvie(well, after all my permanent favvies(who will be mentioned later(yes, being co-dependant, the people on my theoretical top "n" define a rather large bit of me)(I Love Parentheses!)))) the next.

5.) I hate confrontation (with peers,friends, and loved ones, authority is another story). I want everyone to love me, and am mortified of people not liking me. I'll do anything to please(well, nearly) and keep a friend.

6.) however, I seem to be kind of friend-defective when I'm sure a friend will like me no matter what. I tend to neglect people that I'm comfortable with. it's dumb. I know.

7.) I lie to much. I'm working on it, but I've always kind lived by that whole "easier to ask forgiveness than permission," which is a phrase I whole heartedly disagree with. Anything is game for this tendency. little things, trivial things, big things, or anywhere in between. and I both hate and love when someone calls me out, because they at least care enough to realize I'm bull shitting, but I get unreasonably pissed when I get called out on anything.

8.) When I get mad, I get SUPER mad. like, hulk-mad, but it blows over super soon. as soon as someone apologizes, I cool down like that. and if they don't, I start to feel bad after a few minutes alone. so I guess I'm kinda like a volcano(eww, bad analogy, but we'll get to analogies, later). slow to anger, but when it happens, it happens big, but only lasts a bit? I dunno. but yeah.

9.) I'd say jealousy is one of my biggest flaws, specially with my other half. I am so dumb about other peoples achievements, I can't be proud, or supportive like I should be. I hate it, and I get mad at myself for it. it's dumb, and I'm really trying to work on it, but it's not coming along very well :/

10.) I'm loyal to a fault. I don't care what you do to me, I still stick around, kinda like a puppy. Abandon me? still here, waiting for you to get back. Make me mad? I'll come whimpering back in about fifteen minutes asking you're forgiveness. Do any shit you feel like, and I'm sure I'll still love you.

(11-20)

11.) I have no initiative. There are so many things I'd love to do, so many people I'd like to say so many things to, but I never do. perhaps because of 4-6.

12.) I am mortified of dancing. I'll do most anything else, no matter how dumb, but Dancing scares me. I know I'll look stupid. I KNOW it. I look at people and say, "but they look just as stupid or worse", but I can't bring myself to do it. whatever your poison; slow, fast, bouncing, grinding, I am terrified. I go to dances for the excuse to lavish on my favorite human being for a day, and to get pictures. thats it. I know won't dance. I try to psyche myself up, but I just can't when I actually get to the dance. Dancing is my number one (frivolous) fear. or I suppose, looking stupid while dancing is my number one fear.

13.) I am a huge believer in "auras" if you will. I swear up and down I get "vibes" off of people. sometimes it's so bad I hate someone before they've said a word to me. even if they look, talk, and act completely normal, my opinion of someone is usually determined just by the "vibes" I get off you. this is not to say I'm always right, and sometimes I'm completely wrong about someone, but there're been quite a few times when I've been right, and have never changed my opinion after the fact. however, this is bad, because...

14.) It makes me super judgmental. first impressions is my middle name(s). it s a bad thing. it means i hate 75% of the people I meet before they've even said a word, and thats a bit detrimental.

15.) I am ARROGANT. with a capital I'm-better-than-you. I don't know what else to say about that. other than it's also a fault.

16.) I don't think things through. at all. thoughts pass through my lips before I have time to think about their long term repercussions. I say hurtful things, dumb things, and secret things. Dumb jokes and idiotically random things that I just don't think about. And it tends to give people the wrong impression of me. I'm sure I sound like a blubbering idiot sometimes. okay, most of the time. I feel like I could come across as a much smarter, more mature person if I could just learn to think before I speak.

17.)I am a compulsive apologizer. Everything that goes wrong I feel is my fault. your dog dies? my fault, cause I can't bring it back. You lost a hundred dollars? I can't afford to give it to you. you slept in and miss your flight? Damn it, why don't I have a plane and a pilots license. get the idea? EVERYTHING is my fault...in my mind.

18.) I have no motivation. It'll take me forever to finish these, because i just lose interest after a bit. that's why I can't get any better at art. I want to paint, but I ran out of paint about 6 months ago and have never bought any more. I wish I could draw, but I get discouraged and don't pick up a pencil for weeks at a time. I'd love to learn to take better pictures, but I'm just not inspired to keep trying. Mostly due to....

19.) My hatred of my own work. I can't see past the flaws in anything that pertains to me. I hate every single mistake I make, every character flaw, every messy line, every picture that doesn't look like it did in my head, makes me just want to quit.

20.) I have a cursing problem. I pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. my mum says that people who curse are just to dumb to use real words, so they fill in their speech with expletives, and I think that still bugs me whenever I say anything bad.

Kimberly Anne

this is the only sure fire way I know to reach you at the moment. I hope that for some reason you check the blogs before you go to bed. check your email.

growing pains.

i look at our blogs and thats what i see. I see us growing up. and it frightens me a little bit.

Idea theft.

Well, Inspired by my kimberly anne's "next blog" post, I hit the button, and I actually found a blog (le gaspe!) in my own native tongue (no not geek, you wise-asses.) engrish.

it wasn't much, not even philosophical by any means. just some lady with a little personal tradition.

she takes pictures of where she is with her feet in them. nothing much, just a little something she does to keep boredom at bay, but it kinda touched me in some odd way. I dunno why. I guess that whole "connecting with someone you don't know". it's kind cool. it's like, i've seen a piece of her life, so we're connected, you know? I'll never know her, and I probably won't even remember her name, but its there, you know? a little piece of a human expeiriance other than my own. it's kinda cool. I guess it's the same kind of small high you get when you find words in a used book. just a piece of someone elses life that became part of yours by chance.

anywho, just a cool little feeling. another small high. I feel a new URL coming onnn.....

oh and beeteedubyah, this is her blog: http://caseygaither.blogspot.com/

Small highs

you know those times when you do something so simple and mundane, but you just feel great? Like the world is cool for a few minutes. nothings wrong, everything's pleasant, and you don't have a care in the world? well, I just had one of those. Small highs( i know, it's a weird, misleading term, but it was a title of a book that I saw once, and I know what it means now.)

After "acadec" (for posterity's sake, I put quotes around it cuz all we did was watch t.v. and make fun of it.) Kimberly and I wanted to go to coffee mania, so we scrounged up 2.29 in change from my car and got our drinks, then went for a walk. and as mundane as that sounds, It was just awesome, you know? we just got to talk for a bit. watched the sunset. it was awesome. it's moments like those where I kinda feel my inner cynic kinda take a break. everythings just so...good, and I feel obligated to be good for a bit as well.

so I guess whet I'm tryin' to say is, kids, enjoy the small highs. lifes not about the big stuff. it's about sharing good times with the ones you love.

and enjoy this post, cuz I'm back to bitchin' for bitchin's sake till my next high ;]

peace.